... Yes, must come down. This
is the glory of the climb—those down-hills—mmm. (I missed skiing dearly this
‘winter’!) However, it just so happens that I didn’t have functional brakes.
Kind of problematic, don’t you think? A little panic-inducing when you’re going
down a steep, but not too much. I did realize this during the first chunk of
decline, and had Louis and Henry add to ways I’m indebted to them by asking
them to tighten my brakes. (This did make it more difficult, yet, because it’s
tightened to the extent that it’s braking a bit even without squeezing the
handlebars, but so be it. Haha. They have a lot of ammunition for making fun of
me at this point, from past rides… glad I’ve learned to laugh at myself in
multiple languages. ; ) )
Made me think about going
with reckless abandon, without fear, without boundaries, without precaution…
the good and the bad and the need to ask for help.
Around this point, Henry
gave me the “bad news” that I had gotten dirty, this time on my own. (Just the week before, Louis had attempted to
jump a puddle but had landed with his back tire just-so, so that it splashed me
in muddy “chicken water”)
Somehow, some people get
through hard workouts and look like they just applied makeup and fixed their
hair, they do manual labor without breaking a sweat, they cook and look cute in
their apron with a sparkling kitchen. I’m not one of those people. I develop
piles of paper before I clean my classroom or bedroom thoroughly. I make a mess
in the kitchen and then clean it up. I turn redder than red for a good hour or
two after I work out. If I play with kiddos, I’m just as dirty as they are. And
I think I’d like to remain such a person, or at least just admit that that’s
how I am. Be it in relationships, in thinking, in speaking, in creating… I
relish the simplicity and beauty of the complicated interconnectedness of life.
I don’t really think I will
ever be cutesy and delicate nor will I have precise handwriting, succinct
thoughts or an immaculately clean and organized space to call my own. This is
not to say that I embrace chaos, rather that I embrace the God of the universe
who actually has the control, not me. I will still fight entropy. I make my bed
(most of the time) and do my laundry and wash my dishes and use file folders.
I’m just not afraid of the mess.
My dad taught me, “If you
make a mess, you clean it up.” That is to say, take responsibility for your
crap. This is difficult, because you have to admit that everything isn’t
perfect. In Luke, even the tax collectors and all those in a similar “far from God”
lifestyle “acknowledged that God’s way was right” when they heard Jesus’ words
because they had received a baptism of repentance. But the Pharisees and other
Bible thumpers and experts “rejected God’s purpose for themselves” because they
had not humbled themselves and repented. This is why I think it’s ok that I
admit a lot of the things I’m not good at right now. I can make it through this
season (Phil. 4) as long as I start on bended knee and looking out and up.
I think a lot of what’s
“worth it” in this life or hints at the real deal is messy and difficult. I
still struggle to lean into the tension.
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